


Underwater

by catewip



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Comfort/Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Supportive Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-20
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-28 23:21:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30147177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catewip/pseuds/catewip
Summary: When everything becomes too much for Remus, Sirius is by his side.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 48





	Underwater

It's happened too many times before, Remus' heart feels like it's about to beat its way out of his chest and his lungs are refusing to expand enough to let in air. He curses himself that he didn't see this coming soon enough, didn't spot anxiety lurking on the horizon like black clouds ready to rain any second.

He's been fighting to stay calm all day, trying to prepare for tomorrow's exam or at least keep busy enough to distract himself from the sheer panic that's slowly rising in his gut.

"Remus?" Sirius' deep voice cuts through the air like thunder making Remus jump, his heart rate elevating to new heights as he tries to take a deep breath, willing his lungs to drag in air.

Sirius crosses the room to him immediately, he's talking but Remus can't hear the words, or rather can't take them in. He feels like his entire body is slowing down and going much too fast all at the same time. His skin crawls with static energy, pins and needles make their way into his fingertips and Remus' body feels alive in all the wrong ways.

Sirius is too close now. Remus wants nothing more than to run and hide, to never show Sirius this part of himself. The part where his own mind attacks him, works against him and his body until he's just too tired to fight off the storm. When a warm hand makes contact with his shoulder, so gentle that it hurts, Remus can’t help but flinch.

Sirius looks momentarily stunned, confusion and concern making itself home on his handsome face. The sight of it makes Remus wince, he can't seem to do anything right. 

When he finally manages to look back at his boyfriend, the look of gentle concern on Sirius' face hurts more than anger ever could. Sirius deserves the world, not to be stuck here with him. The thought sobers Remus, old insecurities of 'never being good enough' rush to the surface and all Remus is left with is the overpowering feeling of devastation.

"Leave." It comes out louder than he intended, sheer emotion forcing its way out of his throat, but Remus stands by it, turning away from Sirius. 

Remus' heart hurts as he hears the bewilderment and pain seep into Sirius' voice. "Remus? What— No!"

"Don't you get it Sirius? I have anxiety, this is it. This is me and it's never going to get better. You can't change me. You can't fix me." Remus has no idea where this sudden burst of anger has come from, nor does he really know what he's saying. All he knows is that he's beyond frustrated with everything, with his mental health, anxiety and his overwhelming need to prove himself with every exam, because who would ever think a werewolf could pass anyway. He's just so unbelievably tired. "You deserve so much better than me Pads."

Silence fills the dorm room, it's like Remus' words have used up all the sound in the room. Remus crumples quietly to the floor, exhaustion creeping into his bones. As much as Remus hates the panic attacks, it's worse when everything stills.

There's a sinking feeling in his body, like he's drifting away underwater, unable to swim against the current. He doesn’t want to anymore. Remus shuts out the world and closes his eyes, letting himself drift away as he mutters "Leave."

-

Remus has no idea how much time has passed, how long he's been lying on the floor of their dorm room, his mind sinking to a place so dark even the wolf is scared.

Feeling slowly starts returning to his body as soft ripples of light cut through the murky waters and dance along the edge of Remus' consciousness. He attempts to reach out, watching the little flecks of light shatter and dance across his skin. 

When Remus finally breaks the water's surface and opens his eyes he's shocked to find the room awash with light. He's cocooned in warm sheets and blankets seemingly held up by the bed frame and James' broom which hovers on its own accord.

Muggle fairy lights wrap themselves around the sheets hanging above him and Remus can only stare in wonder as small enchanted balls of light lazily dance around the cozy space like fireflies. 

There's a soft breath to his left and Remus realises that Sirius is right there with him and Remus had never seen anything more beautiful or perfect in his entire life.

"You stayed."

It leaves his mouth as a choked sob and suddenly the floodgates seem to open and the tsunami emotions that Remus has been determined to hold back, determined to hide from everyone, come flooding out.

"You stayed!" Remus sobs in disbelief, tears falling heavy like rain.

Sirius holds Remus more firmly this time, strong arms unyielding around him, like Sirius understands exactly what Remus needs right now. Knows that Remus needs to be tethered to something, so he can hold on tightly and try to weather the storm. 

Remus has never felt so vulnerable, so adrift, but Sirius anchors him with softly placed kisses into his hair and kind words of reassurance. Ever so slowly, the harsh waters seem to ease and the dark clouds seem to soften at the edges. Sirius presses closer, not seeming to care that Remus' nose is running or that he's crying into his t-shirt as Sirius slowly brushes his finger through Remus' hair. 

Little by little, Remus feels more grounded by Sirius' touch, like he can finally see land on the horizon again. He manages to catch snippets of what Sirius is murmuring gently; that everythings okay, James is talking to his professors, Peter's convincing the House Elves to send dinner to the dorm, that he doesn’t have to do anything right now, doesn’t even have to think.

For the first time since the exams started Remus feels the knot of anxiety in his chest ease slightly. It's not gone by any means, but he knows that right now, here in Sirius' arms, he feels safe. He has his friends and he has Sirius. Placing a soft kiss on his forehead, Sirius whispers that he is so loved, and right at that moment surrounded by enchanted light, warmth, comfort and security, Remus finally believes him.

**Author's Note:**

> Massive thank you to Katt for being such a supportive and lovely person/beta reader 💖
> 
> Thank you for reading this, I really hope you liked it.  
> I'm sorry I haven't been writing much lately and I know I have a Christmas story to finish and it's already March!! I promise I will get round to it as soon as I possibly can 💛💖


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